Images from Youtube and Paul Corio
How do you solve a problem like The Donald? He’s got the establishment elites wringing their hands, wailing “woe is us,” but they needn’t worry; they’re survivors. Trump isn’t ruining the Grand Old Party, he simply lifted the rock it was hiding under.
Some outraged party regulars allege that Trump is actually a Democratic mole out to make them look intolerant. But, come on: Who has spent decades installing the screw-you buzzer? Can’t act all surprised when one of your own starts leaning on it.
Yes, the natives are restless. After having it hammered into their heads that the government is The Enemy, they finally came around. “You’re right. Government does suck. And so do all politicians. We’re only going to support candidates who have no idea what they’re doing. We want the presidency to be an entry-level position.”
It’s the classic example of creating a monster, then being unable to control him. It’s Trumpenstein. “He’s Alive!”
“I love the poorly educated,” Trump said. Out loud. In front of people with microphones. Of course he does. It’s his base. Also known as “low-information voters.” Which is a demographic euphemism for stupid people. And the beauty is, you can say it right in front of them. “Low-information? Yep. That’s us, all right.”
Trump attracts people who are convinced that professional wrestling is legitimate. More than 60 percent of his supporters still believe that Obama is Muslim. Glenn Beck called Trump dangerous and Glenn Beck is a stone-crazed loon. Even Benjamin Netanyahu called Trump’s Muslim stance “too extreme.” When the Israelis call you Islamophobic, that’s not good. It’s like having your drug intervention hosted by Lindsay Lohan with Charlie Sheen driving the van.
After Trump refused to renounce David Duke’s support, Marco Rubio said, “There’s no room in the Republican Party for racists.” Wow. Knew there were a lot of them, didn’t realize all the slots were full. Must be an affirmative action program. Go to Mitch McConnell’s office, take a number, wait your turn.
But as excited as Trump’s supporters are over his bigoted, bloated, misogynistic, narcissistic, xenophobic candidacy, his GOP detractors are equally if not more passionate about its demise. The Anti-Trump Express has gotten as crowded as the last free-beer bus to the game.
There’s the Never Trump Movement, the Anybody But Trump Group, Plump Grumps Humping to Dump Trump, Death Before Trump, the I’d Rather Chew Leeches Crew, and an organization called Citizens for Responsible Hair.
Each of these groups has separate and distinct concerns. Big-time donors are wary of any candidate not beholden to them. Especially since, when discussing tax cuts, Trump has been all over the map. All over a lot of maps.
There is worry he could not just permanently kill the brand but force a closed coffin during the funeral. And some old-timers are concerned that all future candidates might be required to produce a signature scent.
What we are witnessing is no less than a fight for the very soul of the Republican Party, which is real similar to a jurisdictional dispute over the Poetry Wing of the Federal Reserve. Wrestling for the fur of an eel.
Mitt Romney gave some silly, sanctimonious speech explaining why the insurrectionists should fall in line and take marching orders from a loser like him. Wolves have given more charitable speeches to sheep.
Getting the Trumpeteers to toe their establishment line is beyond futile. You’d have a better shot of herding drunken cats on ice in a hurricane. Best to think of these renegades as venomous ticks. The harder you pull, the more tenaciously they cling.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian, and former Pizza Hut assistant manager. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including his new one-man show, "Elect to Laugh: 2016," appearing every Tuesday at the Sun Francisco Marsh, go to the willdurst.com.
From the May issue of the magazine.