As Donald Trump enters the second year of his presidency, problems are stacking up around him. It’s like he’s been delivered a bouquet of bombs from the Acme Corporation being wafted aloft by helium balloons approaching an archery range for the easily distracted.
Trump’s first year was marked by division, derision, indecision, and lack of supervision. He’s had more missteps than the last-place finisher in a drunken hopscotch tournament played on cobblestones. Blindfolded.
The most recent stumble was the fitness question which author Michael Wolff described in his book Fire and Fury as infecting 100 percent of White House insiders who believe their boss is a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead. Snuck into the gene pool while the lifeguard was chatting up the girl who runs the hot dog stand.
Overall, the New York City real-estate developer has proven that no matter how many governments he antagonizes, family members he insults, staffers he alienates, his own worst enemy is . . . himself. Attempting to stem the story’s backlash, the President of the United States tweeted (and these are real quotes) that he is “like, really smart” and a “very stable genius”—a statement that can best be interpreted as meaning he’s a genius around horse manure.
But these are idle distractions, compared to 45’s legal problems, which have multiplied like the brooms in “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” Numerous Congressional investigations and a special counsel appointed already—the guy has gone from zero to Nixon in under a year.
45’s legal problems have multiplied like the brooms in “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.”
Early grand jury indictments by Robert Mueller included something called “Conspiracy against the United States.” That sounds like “fake news” the same way “flesh-eating bacteria” sounds like a skin balm.
Conspiracy was only one of twelve charges filed against President Donald Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, also accused of money-laundering, failing to register as a foreign agent, not paying taxes, and being such a smug, greedy S.O.B. that he makes Bernie Madoff look like a bleeding-heart social worker who ministers to sick puppies.
Lower down the food chain, Trump foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos was arrested in July of 2017, a fact that became known in October. He is described in charging documents as a “proactive cooperator,” a term that caused coworkers heads to pop off wondering if the dude spent the last couple months playing that popular Justice Department game, “Dial a Co-Conspirator” while wearing a wire.
Conspiracy charges allow prosecutors to hold each defendant responsible for the actions of others within the plot. And now the principals, vice-principals, and janitors are beginning to distrust everyone, including the cafeteria ladies, the crossing guards, and the guy who dry-cleans the mascot’s head.
Then in December, former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn also pled guilty to lying to the FBI. That elevated the paranoia to astronomical levels because, once everyone lawyers up and stops talking to each other, nobody can tell which colleagues are saying what to whom. Soon the image of marching up courthouse steps with a trench coat draped over your handcuffs starts seeming less and less imaginary.
White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders says the investigation is “getting closer to conclusion” and that may be true. Mueller seems poised to pounce but definitely needs to speak to Mister Stable Genius first and find out not only what Trump knew, but when did he know he knew it. And who knew he knew what he didn’t know.
White House lawyers are angling to have the President answer the questions in writing, keeping his improvisational skills, or lack thereof, in check. They’re afraid he might be responsible for dropping a bombshell on himself. Of course, there have been so many during his Reign of Error, who would notice? That has probably been the goal all along.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic, and former lemonade stand proprietor in the Westward Ho subdivision of New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.