Ah, the joys of pregnancy! When I’m not breathing heavily like a French bulldog, I’m leaving my keys in the refrigerator or . . . crying about leaving my keys in the refrigerator.
Like most pregnant women, I’m trying to plan. I’m planning for a smooth pregnancy (even though Mother Nature might have different plans for me). I’m planning closet space for all this baby stuff (even though it seems excessive and I’m certain my mom didn’t have a “wet wipes warmer”). And I’m planning to seamlessly transition back to work from maternity leave while feeling like utter garbage (something I’m told is impossible).
In 2019, I want to see a healthy baby bill, with ten fingers, ten toes, and a lot of support for parents.
In fact, the most “fun” parts of pregnancy are the night terrors I get from thinking about the transition from maternity leave to work—mostly because, I don’t really get maternity leave.
I know what you’re thinking: Night terrors sound healthy for a pregnant woman. Totally! They’re great. And when you’re an American, they’re extra terror-y because we ladies in the U.S. of A. get A) no respect and B) no maternity leave. It’s not mandated by federal law; it’s not fully recognized in the political discourse as a big issue; and, culturally, we pretend like those precious early months of babyhood are absolutely compatible with eighty-hour work weeks, the gig economy, and the American obsession with productivity.
As an abstract idea, maternity leave is very popular. According to one poll, 93 percent of Americans agree that mothers should receive some paid leave after their babies arrive. The other 7 percent presumably think you can throw a baby in a drawer with a KIND Bar and it’ll be just fine.
The good news is that there is not much of a partisan divide on the issue, because 96 percent of Democrats think mothers should get paid leave and 88 percent of Republicans actually agree. (Little known fact: It doesn’t matter what political party a baby is born into, it still needs care.)
People in much of the rest of the world have also come to the stark realization that babies aren’t self-cleaning ovens. The prime minister of New Zealand just had a baby and she allowed herself six of the eighteen weeks of maternity leave that her country covers. The United Kingdom, Italy, and Poland are all in the top ten of maternity leave for industrialized countries.
But the country that puts us all to shame—try to guess it! you won’t guess it!—is Bulgaria. That’s right, Bulgaria, the hamburger patty between a Romanian and Greek bun, a country that we think about . . . never, has the world’s most generous maternity leave, at fifty-nine weeks.
Meanwhile, those of us in the United States are relying on employers to have generous maternity leave policies. But what if you’re a freelancer and can’t point to one (generous) boss but instead have a portfolio career stitched together by a Lyft profile, dog walking, and good old-fashioned hustle? As a comedian and writer, I’m in this strange category, so the maternity leave night terrors are fueled by the fact that I have no institutional support.
I was overjoyed to learn that New York State, where I live, has implemented one of the nation’s few Paid Family Leave policies, which does cover maternity leave, even for freelancers like me. But, as it turns out, I missed the deadline for applying because I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS GOING TO BE PREGNANT. So I’m being pushed out of this great new plan because of poor psychic abilities.
So we have bipartisan will, we have international best practices, we have states setting their own (flawed) policies. What’s missing?
Child care isn’t a weird fringe issue, it’s the whole shebang.
At this point, I hope the batch of new ladies in Congress—the most ladeeez we’ve ever had!—will take the lead. I hope they can get this issue into the mainstream. I hope they can remind us all that babies need care . . . and they can’t get it from Roombas because Roombas don’t have opposable thumbs.
Child care isn’t a weird fringe issue, it’s the whole shebang. You’re looking at future bouncing baby taxpayers! Let’s make sure they get off on the right crawl so we can raise citizens that have been cared for by parents that aren’t stressed out about how to pay the rent and breastfeed at the same time. It’s too late for me, I won’t get that kind of assurance. I’ll just have to make do with the night terrors.
In 2019, I want to see a healthy baby bill, with ten fingers, ten toes, and a lot of support for parents. Also, can we get some federal support for the reduction of stretch marks? I’m asking for a friend.