Libertarian porcupine mascot by Lance W. Haverkamp
Just you wait, buddy boy. Soon the Libertarians will take over and when they do, things are going to be a lot different around here. No more business as usual!
And that day is coming soon. The American electorate is restless. They’re sick of swallowing the b.s. fed to them by the Republicans and Democrats. They’re looking for alternatives and soon they’ll be swallowing the b.s. fed to them by the Libertarians.
And when they do, look out! There’s going to be a major philosophical housecleaning! You won’t even recognize this place anymore. This glorious change for the better will be most starkly and immediately obvious in the soup kitchens. Are you shocked and surprised to hear this? Well of course you are. You didn’t think there would be any such thing as a soup kitchen in a Libertarian paradise, did you?
Well, all that stuff about Libertarians being selfish and uncharitable is just a nasty myth.
The Libertarian soup kitchen will be a new concept in soup kitchens, reflecting a sea change in our national approach to fighting poverty. First, the poor and homeless will not be the ones being served in the Libertarian soup kitchens. They will be the ones doing the serving. And whom will they serve, you ask? Why they will serve Libertarians, of course. All poor and homeless people who can’t afford their next meal will be welcome to come in and prepare and serve a meal to Libertarians who have good jobs and plenty of money. This will enable the poor and homeless to experience the dignity of work. In exchange, the poor and homeless will be permitted to consume the leftovers and table scraps of the Libertarians, absolutely free! It’s all based on the old adage “Will Work 4 Food.”
Also, in the Libertarian soup kitchen, seconds are not automatic. In traditional religious soup kitchens, all poor and homeless people have to do if they want seconds is step back in line and hold out their plates. But in the Libertarian soup kitchen seconds must be earned through competition. Seconds will be awarded to the poor and homeless who express the most gratitude for their firsts.
“Thank you so much for the honor of serving you and eating whatever you don’t. If you could find it in your heart to spare me another small portion, I would be most appreciative. However, if you see otherwise, I certainly understand. You are under no obligation whatsoever.”
But the Libertarian soup kitchen will be just like the traditional religious soup kitchen in that after every meal there will still be a sermon. Instead of readings from the Holy Bible, all who enter the Libertarian soup kitchen will be subjected to readings from the Libertarian Bible, better known as Gumption. This journal of freedom and liberty features inspiring tales of bold men building majestic skyscrapers with their bare hands.
Afterwards a Libertarian elder will step up to the podium and say:
“Let me tell you what’s wrong with this country today. Too many people have a sense of entitlement. They demand free health care. They demand free education. Well I don’t want free healthcare and education! I want to pay for it, dammit! Brothers and sisters, if we keep heading down this evil path of socialism, I fear that soon we will reach the day when no one in America has to ever worry about starving to death. Let me tell you what I love most about being an American. I love knowing that I’m not entitled to a damn thing! This is what makes America the greatest country in the world! We are motivated by existential terror! We know that if we need something we better get out there and grab it quick, or else! If citizens no longer have to live in fear of how they will obtain the necessities of life, it will surely lead to chaos, anarchy, rioting in the streets!”
Mike Ervin is a writer and disability rights activist living in Chicago. He blogs at Smart Ass Cripple, "expressing pain through sarcasm since 2010."