Photo by bbasilico0.
Those Koch brothers sure are evil geniuses. They know that the best way to take an economy hostage is to create an impregnable monopoly on something no one can live without.
I’m sure if the Koch brothers could control the oxygen supply, they would. But since they haven’t quite figured out how to do that yet, it’s clear that they’re bent on cornering the market on the next best thing. Toilet paper.
Among the subsidiaries of Koch Industries is Georgia Pacific, makers of many fine paper products, including Angel Soft and Quilted Northern toilet paper. Now granted, these are but two of the myriad brands of toilet paper available here in the land of plenty. But I’m sure this is only the beginning. I’m sure the Koch brothers are planning a hostile takeover of Charmin as we speak. Soon they’ll be sitting atop a toilet paper empire!
And their calculation is that the rest of us will then be forced to surrender. Americans can’t just forego the wiping process.
If you think you can do an end run around the Koch brothers by roughing it and wiping with paper towels or napkins or whatever, forget it. Georgia Pacific makes Brawny and Sparkle paper towels, Vanity Fair napkins, baby wipes and even disposable table cloths. Georgia Pacific says it is also a top producer of the cellulose fluff pulp used in diapers and incontinence items, so forget that option. The Koch brothers have every escape route blocked.
Or do they? I see at least two acts of defiance. I can become a hoarder of autumn leaves. I can offer to rake up and haul away all the leaves on my neighbors lawns for free. My condo will be stacked from floor to ceiling with bulging, plastic lawn and garden bags. But it’ll be worth it if I can use the leaves as a natural, organic, renewable and sustainable alternative to toilet paper.
Or I could get a bidet. That seems like the more pragmatic solution because my wife has been bugging me to get one anyway. So I can thumb my nose at the Koch brothers and spice up my marriage at the same time! And our anniversary is coming up, too! So a bidet would be a good gift for both of us since one of the many intimate things we share is our lone toilet.
I’m looking up bidets on the Internet right now. Of course Amazon sells a bunch of them. But I can’t buy from Amazon. They’re evil, too. Here’s something called bidet.org. I kid you not. Their website says, “We love bidets! Honestly, we really do! . . . We want to make bidets a common thing in bathrooms everywhere, and a subject that people can talk about openly.” They say they donate a portion of every sale to the International Rhino Foundation and WaterAid America.
Bidet.org also lists five benefits of using bidets. Sticking it to the Koch brothers is not one of them. They really should make it six.
I can see that this is the type of purchase that requires research. But I’m determined to buy a bidet and soon! Each cleansing squirt will be doubly refreshing knowing that I’m giving the finger to the Koch brothers.
Mike Ervin is a contributing writer to The Progressive and a disability rights activist living in Chicago. He writes the blog Smart Ass Cripple at smartasscripple.blogspot.com.