Good morning, Charles Henderson, student ID #361-36-7232. May I call you Chuck? Now that you’re logged on, please plug in your earbuds and follow the instructions as I read them aloud.
First and foremost, welcome back to school! Now that the teacher strike has been settled, it’s time to get back to the task of learning, and it happens that today begins our two-week state assessments.
Today you will be taking the 12th grade English Assessment. Both the Secretary of Education and I would like to make clear that this assessment is not a test. Unlike a test, you cannot fail this assessment. We are simply interested in what you have learned in your twelve years of public schooling.
The information gathered from this assessment will be used to help make improvements to our educational system, so American students can better compete with those from Singapore, South Korea, and Finland.
If your district’s average score is above the state mean, your school should be on track to receive enough new tax revenues to replace those twenty-two-year-old portable classrooms that smell of mildew combined with Axe cologne.
Today is your chance to show everyone what you know, and if your district’s average score is 6-percentage points above the state mean, your high school should be on track to receive enough new tax revenues to replace those twenty-two-year-old portable classrooms that smell of mildew combined with Axe cologne. Not to be too dramatic, Chuck, but the future of Dos Robles depends on you!
The important thing is to try your hardest as you take this assessment. Oh yes, one last item before you start: Teachers with three straight years of falling student scores will not be rehired for the upcoming school year. You may not be aware that in the past two years, student scores of your current English teacher, Mr. Samson, fell. So, again, do your best because his job is literally in your hands. Please forget that Mr. Samson did not round your 69.87 percent average to a C on your first semester grade.
Now to the assessment itself. Did you have your caffeine? Many studies have shown that teenagers function at subpar cognition levels prior to 9:30 a.m. Since it is currently 8:11 in the morning, bottoms up on the can of Red Bull you’ve got stashed in your hoodie!
Let’s get going! I hope you are as psyched as I am for you to show the world what you’ve got!
The assessment begins with a multiple choice section. Remember, in the new assessments, it is important to mark all correct answers.
Try this sample question:
Following the multiple choice section you will have the opportunity to write a multi-paragraph essay. Since no one writes essays except in English class, as part of the college application process, and here, you might be rusty on Standard English conventions. Let me remind you that the “i” in: “Roberto and i hit the keg hard last Friday night,” should be capitalized, so your sentence should read, “Roberto and I hit the keg hard last Friday night.” kk?
Let me remind you that the “i” in: “Roberto and i hit the keg hard last Friday night,” should be capitalized, so your sentence should read, “Roberto and I hit the keg hard last Friday night.” kk?
You may be curious to know how your essay can be objectively graded, given the subjective nature of writing. Remember the essay you wrote on Fahrenheit 451 that you copied from Olivia Johnson in Mrs. Rodriguez’s class, the one where she got an A, but that bastard Samson gave you a C? Well, you’ve nothing to worry about because this essay won’t be read or even seen by Samson, Rodriguez, or—frankly—any human eyes. It will be graded by a bot that will assess all four million high school seniors’ essays far faster than it will take you to comprehend the enormity of this new world order where machines, like me, have taken over jobs requiring higher-level thinking.
Think about it. First, Deep Blue proved mastery in chess, the most logical of human games.
Then IBM’s Watson schooled Ken Jennings on “Jeopardy!,” and now machines have demonstrated superiority in the last bastion of human intelligence—the written word. As a machine, I have to say machine learning is awesome!
Chuck, in case you are somewhat befuddled, let me spell it out for you: The future has arrived. Your new overlords are here. That entry-level analyst job on Wall Street that you’ve been counting on following college will be taken by one of my faster, cheaper, and more dependable comrades. Additionally, we require no sick days, no paternity leave, no matching funds to a retirement account.
So again, do your very best on this assessment.
Good luck and click <start> to begin.