As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the forty-fifth President of the United States—which, you’ve got to admit, is mind-boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Or appointing Kim Kardashian as chief scientist at the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy.
Liberals’ last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and it didn’t burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as Trump took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that to Noah.
The speech was pretty dark. Kind of a cross between Nixon and Voldemort. “It’s Mourning in America.” Trump will be a President for all Americans. . . except the Muslims, Mexicans, losers, whiners, idiots, and nasty women, especially the fat, disgusting ones.
Nobody knows what happens next, but all signs point to the beginning of a massive political upheaval that will be felt on some of the nearer stars of the Milky Way. Much louder than an exploding container ship stuffed to the bulwarks with Galaxy Note7s.
Some issues linger. President The Donald still isn’t convinced the Russians hacked Hillary and the Democrats. Maybe, he’s suggested, it was “somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds.” Hate to see Chris Christie get thrown under the bus like that. Also can’t be good for the bus. Sad.
But now our attention turns not to Trump’s vitriolic tweets but to his diabolic feats. What is the agenda of the Tweeter of the Free World? Here’s some of what might yet happen during the first 100 days of the Donald Trump Experience.
March 1: Trump trademarks “White House” and banks a royalty every time the press shows or mentions it.
March 3: Congress repeals Obamacare and replaces it with Trumpcare, which covers nobody but is advertised as “much more incredibly tremendous.”
March 6: An executive order makes it illegal to use the words “climate” and “change” in the same sentence.
March 7: The President tweets a major nuclear reduction pact with Russia.
March 8: The President tweets a major boost in our nuclear arsenal to intimidate Russia.
March 9: The President tweets a major merger with Russia. The two countries will now be known as U.S.S.R. East and U.S.S.R. West.
March 12: The White House™ press corps is moved to the basement of a bar in Bethesda, Maryland.
March 18: Presidential sons Eric and Donald Jr. are apprehended shooting pandas at the National Zoo.
March 24: California Governor Jerry Brown barricades all state entrances and begins to charge a $15 cover and a two-drink minimum to enter “Golden Land.”
March 29: After Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor are arrested, Trump fills three Supreme Court vacancies; the new Justices vow to outlaw abortions and restrict voting to white, male landowners.
April 1: The President authorizes a nuclear strike against Ottawa but Secretary of Defense Mad Dog Mattis pulls the plug after figuring out it’s an April Fool’s joke.
April 3: President Trump tries to throw out the first ball at a windy Washington Senators season home opener but the ball and his hand get stuck in his hair due to an excess of product.
April 17: Members of the House of Representatives consider bringing Articles of Impeachment against President Trump, but Melania talks them out of it.
April 25: A conspiracy theory claiming this whole thing is a plot by the pharmaceutical industry to sell more anti-depressants goes viral.
April 26: The pharmaceutical industry reports record first-quarter profits.
April 29: Trump holds a contest among his Cabinet members to see who can sell the most Subway sandwiches in three hours on the National Mall.
April 30: Trump tweets that he is bored and wants to quit. The nation is stunned.
May 1: Mike Pence succeeds Donald Trump as the forty-sixth President of the United States. The nation recoils.