All right, America, this is your pep talk. It’s the bottom of the ninth and the bases are loaded. Is that when baseball coaches give pep talks? I need to rewatch A League of Their Own.
Okay, scrap that. It’s just before the fourth quarter and a bunch of dudes are in a locker room, looking sweaty and defeated. Wait, is there usually a break before the fourth quarter when coaches do a pep talk? Ugh, I need to rewatch Rudy.
It’s time for us to shut up and be nice.
Okay, never mind, the score is love-love . . . er, no, it’s deuce but it’s the deuce right before match point. What I’m saying is, America, we’re at a sensitive point!
We’ve got this vaccine and a bunch of willing arm fat to jab. But we don’t quite have enough of it, and we don’t have enough actual physical locations where arm fat can get jabbed. (These, by the way, are all technical vaccine distribution terms.)
We’re worn out from tiresome elections that are getting more and more expensive. And yes, there are so many more ways to spend that money—like on education, or food, or cargo pants for everyone in America. (That’s right, multitudinously pocketed pants for everyone in the country would be a better use of money than the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on Georgia’s media market during the special run-off elections.)
Everyone is mean. Everyone. Liberals talk down to conservatives. Conservatives think liberals are evil. Someone is gonna be mean to me because I didn’t use the phrasing “some liberals” and “some conservatives.” But think about it: Was there not a moment when you, reading this as a good liberal, weren’t at least talking down to conservatives in your head? Everyone is mean.
Lawn signs get stolen. Rallies—which are supposed to be fun and energizing—have turned sinister. Everything is a signifier now. Going for a stroll might signify that you’re against climate-change-inducing cars. Going for a drive might indicate that you’re against transportation alternatives. Turning up your heater might mean you’re against energy efficiency. Taking your dog to the groomer might mean you’re an out-of-touch elitist. Eating a cupcake might mean you’re against apple pie!
No one is allowed nuance, and no one is allowed to deviate from ideological purity. We’re all sweaty and defeated in the locker room that is America. Parts of the locker room have prairie land, other parts have forests or strip malls, and some parts are Florida. We’re spread out over this vast locker room, our heads held low, our energy sapped, and our hope dwindling. But, we need to take a breather and rejoin the game with a better attitude.
Our attitude on the playing field of American political and cultural life has truly sucked. That’s partly why we’re so sweaty and defeated and breaking tennis rackets. It’s time for us to shut up and be nice.
As Coach Bombay and the team said in D2: The Mighty Ducks: “We are ducks and ducks fly together. And just when you think they’re about to break apart . . . ducks fly together! And when the wind blows hard and the sky is black . . . ducks fly together! And when the roosters are crowing and the cows are spinning circles in the pasture . . . ducks fly together! And when everyone says it can’t be done . . . ducks fly together.’’
So let’s do it, people. Of everyone in all the world, we know how to be nice. I once lived in France. I had a French boyfriend, ate baguettes, and gazed upon things. When I would meet French people, they would always say to me, “Americans are so nice.” They found it odd that we were so warm, so welcoming, so chatty.
We used to be nice, and our niceness provided cover for an incredible amount of injustice with respect to race, class, and gender. That’s true. Nevertheless, we persisted in our nicety.
These people we’re not being nice to? They’re the same people we were nice to ten years ago. We already know how to do this. Things will look up if we start looking up.
We have a vaccine in record time! We have a new President! We have the most diverse Cabinet in U.S. history! We have a Black bachelor on The Bachelor!
It’s time for us to take a swig of water, get back on that playing field, and play nice.