December 31, 2007 The best news of 07 is that it’s finally over. 07 was to the progressive movement what Truman Capote was to wild boar hunting.
December 28, 2007 They’re trying to make Hillary cuddly. Which is the same as gluing goose down to the neck of a turkey vulture.
December 27, 2007 Mike Huckabee said he knows there is duck hunting in heaven. Wow, doesn’t sound like duck heaven is in the same place as human heaven.
December 26, 2007 Okay. Just so you know: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of the Year are as different from the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of the Year as Peppermint Mini Marshmallow Froot Loops are from porridge. For instance, the Pakistani government transition didn’t make our list. Why? Because it has the humor quotient of cider vinegar foot baths. Except for President Musharaff’s first name being Pervez. Short for Perv? Prez Perv. Nice alliteration there. But funny? Let me think. No. Subprime mortgage crisis? Yeah, right. Rusty nail through the bottom of your Reeboks funny. Myanmar, Virginia Tech, you see my point. So let’s go my route. Here’s the stories of 07 that were the most lampoonable. 10. Jimmy Carter called President Bush the “worst President ever.” And by the very nature of that statement, that would have to include… Jimmy Carter. “Worst President ever” by Jimmy Carter. That can’t be good. Like having your drug intervention hosted by Lindsay Lohan. 9. David Petreaus, the Surgin’ General said Iraq looks more and more like America every day. Apparently they want us out of there too. Claims the government is paralyzed by petty partisan squabbling, so maybe they are getting the hang of a western style democracy. 8. Hillary Clinton asked the public to help pick her official campaign song. Here’s some additional suggestions. “The Theme from Shaft.” “Its Too Late Baby.” “Devil with a Blue Dress.” “She’s Cold as Ice.” “The Bitch is Back.” 7. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demonstrated the concept of free speech in America. Both he and Bush at the UN on the same day. Think of it: a religious fanatic who sponsors secret prisons and has antagonized the whole world and an Iranian, both addressing the General Assembly. 6. Rudy Giuliani tried to espouse traditional family values on the campaign trail. And the fact that he’s had 3 wives just means he’s extra traditional. The Christian Coalition threatened to form a third party if Rudy Giuliani becomes the Republican nominee. Wonder what they’ll call it? Too bad “the Taliban” is already taken. 5. Karl Rove and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales both resigned. I’m thinking the only reason he kept supporting Gonzales is because “Attorney General” and “Alberto Gonzales” both start with AG, and it was the only way he could remember who was filling the position. Like a mnemonic device. Karl Rove: proof positive that the Devil and the Pillsbury Dough Boy had more than a passing acquaintance. 4. Mitt Romney’s tried to run a perfect campaign. Looks like he’s been dipped in a polyurethane bath. Flip- flopped so much he’s in danger of triggering a Stage Four John Kerry Alert. His campaign ads should close with “I’m Mitt Romney, and I both approve and disapprove of this ad.” 3. Paris Hilton was offered community service, but the community declined. Q. What’s the difference between Paris Hilton and Scooter Libby? A. 23 days. 2. Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff Scooter Libby was fined a quarter million dollars which was paid for by the Scooter Libby Defense Fund, which you and I know as… Halliburton. His 30 month sentence was then commuted by President Bush, who apparently is not just the Decider, he’s also the Commuter. 1. Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig isn’t gay and didn’t quit. He may be homosexual, but he is so not gay. Like a Rorschach blot of not gay. Said he was entrapped. Cop must have worn some fetching footwear. Italian design, really shiny and the laces were perfect. Should have gone with the Restless Leg Syndrome defense. Political comic, Will Durst, expects an even better list in 2008.
December 25, 2007 We celebrate the anniversary of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by buying stuff our friends don’t need in order to insure that if they do the same for us nobody feels silly.
December 24, 2007 Happy Birthday, Prince of Peace. And we promise to honor your memory by killing anybody who doesn’t believe in your message.
December 21, 2007 President Bush just signed the new 822 page energy bill which requires lightbulbs to be three times more efficient by 2020.
Q. How many Congressman does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Don’t worry about me, I’ll just sit here in the dark.
December 20, 2007 Congress passed legislation to toughen the Freedom of Information Act, and over at the White House, a series of secret, clandestine, behind-closed-door meetings will determine whether they’ll sign the bill.
December 19, 2007 Mitt Romney says he doesn’t recall taking a photo at a Planned Parenthood event. Doesn’t recall. If he doesn’t get the Presidential nomination, looks like he’s working on the qualifications for Attorney General
December 18, 2007 Independent Senator Joe Lieberman has endorsed Republican John McCain for President. So now we know what party he really belongs to. Just was one of those Geographic Democrats.
December 17, 2007 George Bush should get another dog and name him Diplomacy. Because then you couldn’t say George Bush wouldn’t know Diplomacy if it bit him in the ass.
December 14, 2007 After 27 years, Led Zeppelin is back on tour. And drugs are still being delivered backstage. The only difference now, is there’s a $30 co-pay.
December 13, 2007 Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee says when he said people with AIDS should be quarantined, he didn’t really mean, “quarantined.” Hopefully when he said he was running for President he didn’t really mean, “President.”
December 11, 2007 I think President Bush has nailed down his legacy as The Little Boy Who Cried WMD.
December 10, 2007 President Bush said even though the latest National Intelligence Estimate purports Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program years ago, it changes nothing. Bush has a mind like a cement bedspread. Once he’s made it up, it stays made.
December 4, 2007 You got to love Mitt Romney. First, he’s pro choice, then he’s anti choice; so I guess that makes him-multiple choice.
December 3, 2007 If time spent in the Oval Office is considered qualification for the Presidency, Monica Lewinsky should be forming an exploratory committee.
December 1, 2007 Our economy isn’t in the doldrums. Our economy can’t even see the doldrums. Our economy aspires to the doldrums.
November 29, 2007 Mattel should produce a Mitt Romney action figure. In order to get it to change positions, you keep asking the same question.
November 27, 2007 I’m not saying the dollar is sinking but now Canadians are snickering at our greenbacks, “Oh you mean, in AMERICAN money?”
November 26, 2007 Considering the sudden 180 degree turn former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney made on both abortion and gay rights, I’m surprised he’s not campaigning in a neck brace.
November 24, 2007 Surprising new biographical evidence unearthed about the Eisenhower Presidency questions whether Hillary Clinton would be the first Chief Executive with plucked eyebrows.
November 23, 2007 Got to give thanks to all those corporate marketers for delaying their Christmas shopping campaigns until early August in an obviously patriotic refusal to infringe on the sanctity of the Fourth of July.
November 22, 2007 Happy Thanksgiving everybody. Remember, Turkey Holocaust Day means only 426 days until George the 2 leaves office.
November 21, 2007 What I’m most thankful for is George Bush having included me for the last six years in his “No Comic Left Behind” program.
November 20, 2007 Giuliani doesn't think waterboarding is torture? Who's he going to choose as his running mate… Jack Bauer?
November 14, 2007 I’m trying to figure out exactly what it is that Rudy Giuliani did. Besides climbing out of a hole and shaking his fist at the sky, that is.
November 13, 2007 If flip-flopping were an Olympic sport, Mitt Romney would anchor the US relay team.
November 12, 2007 With the respect he’s demonstrated for rule of law and his country’s Constitution, you have to wonder if Pakistani President Musharraf is being advised by Karl Rove.
November 9, 2007 There’s so much fat in most fast food burgers, those combo meals should include an angioplasty balloon.
November 6, 2007 A lot of us still believe that if elections were actually effective, they would have been made illegal by now.
November 5, 2007 President Bush wants another $48 billion for the Iraqi occupation. He insists that not only was our invasion a good idea, if he had to do it over again, he would screw up in exactly the same way
November 2, 2007 The Christian Right is threatening to form a third party if Rudolph Giuliani is the Republican nominee. They could call it God’s Only Party but the acronym might confuse people
November 1, 2007 Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey isn’t sure whether waterboarding is torture. Sounds like a demonstration might be in order. I’m thinking the Senate Judiciary Committee should arrange one.
October 31, 2007 The Dennis Kucinich Presidential campaign received a big boost this week when someone left a stool next to the podium.
October 30, 2007 FEMA apologized for holding a fake press conference, but no apologies appear apparent for the fake Presidency.
October 29, 2007 When hollow eyed creatures without souls come knocking at your door in droves asking for handouts at the end of October, it can only mean one thing. The following Tuesday is election day.
October 27, 2007 The neocons are saying Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is another Hitler. I thought Saddam Hussein was another Hitler? Can’t Ahmadinejad be another Mussolini?
October 26, 2007 Loved Congressman Pete Stark’s apology. “I’m sorry I said the President gets soldiers blown up for his own amusement. I’m sure the whole Cabinet’s laughing.”
October 25, 2007 The good news is FEMA showed up in California. The bad news is they came to fix the levees.
October 24, 2007 Haven’t heard much about Hillary’s plan to give every baby born in the US, $5,000. Somebody must have explained, that by the time they turn 18, that’ll probably cover a celebratory six pack of beer.
October 23, 2007 It must be hard to be a Democrat these days. Have you ever seen a bigger bunch of losers? Except for the Republicans, I mean.
October 20, 2007 Though the press shield bill compels reporters to disclose information needed to prevent acts of terrorism or harm to national security, the White House vows to veto it because “it could frustrate the ability to investigate acts of terrorism or threats to national security.” I’m not sure they’re even listening anymore.
October 17, 2007 Rudy Giuliani accuses Democrats of being too PC to use the phrase “Islamo-Fascism.” They’re probably too polite to use the phrase “shameless fear-mongering” as well.
October 16, 2007 Fred Thompson talked about how one of the biggest obstacles to peace is the Soviet Union. And that Hitler guy. He could be a problem too.
October 15, 2007 The good news is Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. The bad news is the Florida Supreme Court is claiming jurisdiction over the election results.
October 12, 2007 It looks like Vladimir Putin is about to hand over the reins of government to himself. Hope this doesn’t give Dubyah any ideas.
October 11, 2007 George Allen has joined the Fred Thompson 08 campaign. I assume he’s not there as speech coach.
October 9, 2007 The Clintons are on opposite ends of the torture controversy. She’s against it and he’s for it. Of course, his opinion may be colored by the fact that he lives with her.
October 8, 2007 Senator Barack Obama is taking flack for no longer wearing a flag pin on his lapel. His critics have totally ignored one possible explanation. Maybe he’s anti-bling.
October 5, 2007 The FBI plans to head up the Blackwater investigation in Iraq, during which they will be protected and escorted by… Blackwater. You can’t make stuff up like this.
October 4, 2007 A coalition of Christian Conservatives have threatened to form a third party if Rudy Giuliani is the GOP nominee. Don’t know what they would call it. “Taliban” is already taken.
October 3, 2007 Condoleezza Rice says we have no plans to invade Iran. So how does that differ with what happened in Iraq?
October 2, 2007 Newt Gingrich says he won’t run for President because no one has given him $30 million. Yeah, that’s my problem too.
September 28, 2007 After all the brouhaha in New York this week, this seems like a good time to have us a little chat about free speech. Not restricted free speech. Not partial free speech. Not pseudo- semi- counterfeit- limited- free speech. Not free speech on Wednesdays between two and three pm EDT. Not free speech zones and not free speech reserved for the people we like and kept from the ones we don’t. No, my friends, I’m talking about your total, unfettered, full throated, in your face, front row death metal rock concert, spitting in the wind, 24/ 7, every square inch of your big white furry butt, gushing like runoff from a rain gutter off a cantilevered roof during a Force Five hurricane in the tropics free speech. There’s no whining about who gets to speak at what college. We’re supposed to be setting an example. Doesn’t matter out of which holes the free speech is coming from. The mouths of an opposition politico or the biggest little two bit dictator in the world or the personification of Lucifer himself replete with red horns and forked tail and cloven hooves. But let’s leave the Vice President out of this one. Everybody gets to say their piece. That’s the deal.
September 27, 2007 Iraqi President Nouri al-Maliki is taking some of the money our government is giving his government and hiring lobbyists to come to DC to convince our government to give his government more money. To learn the democratic process. By George, I think he’s got it.
September 26, 2007 It was weird to see both Bush and Ahmadinejad speak at the UN on the same day. One of them is a clueless, out of touch leader who has antagonized friends and foes alike and the other guy is an Iranian.
September 25, 2007 Whenever I hear the words Hillary and Health Care, I keep thinking I’m about to hear a Republican attack ad.
September 24, 2007 The new OJ allegations are proof that not only has Hollywood run out of new ideas, so has real life.
September 21, 2007 Hooters just opened their first restaurant in China. That will teach them to use lead paint on toys.
September 20, 2007 The pope said Europeans aren't having enough kids. Not that he’s helping the situation much.
September 18, 2007 In the latest poll, Hillary Clinton leads her nearest competitor by almost double. The good news for the Obama camp is the last two Democrats to have this kind of a lead before the first primary were Walter Mondale and Howard Dean.
September 17, 2007 Regarding New England's football team and their alleged spying, Belicheck's defense is sure to be he thought it was allowed under the Patriot Act.
September 14, 2007
Q. The President referred to the insurgents in Iraq as Al Qaeda 12 times in his speech. What’s up with that?
A. A small group calls itself Al Qaeda of Iraq, but it's not the same Al Qaeda responsible for 9/11. Surfing off the credibility of the name. Kind of like a terrorism franchise.
Q. Does fighting one hurt the other?
A. There used to be two teams in the Canadian Football League called the Roughriders. But if you beat one it didn’t mean you got credit for two victories in the standings.
Q. What ever happened to “we’ll step down when the Iraqis step up?”
A. Someone stole the steps.
September 13, 2007 Seems as if Petraeus’s timetable for reducing troop strength in Iraq has something to do with frozen precipitation appearing in hell.
September 11, 2007 In Australia, President Bush praised the brave Austrian troops. Can’t wait for him to go to Vienna and ask where all the kangaroos are.
September 7, 2007 Democratic fundraiser, Norman Hsu, is once again a fugitive after failing to appear in Superior Court. The authorities should look in the same place the Democrats hid their spine.
September 6, 2007 It turns out the gay Republican Senator who quit, insists he isn’t gay and might not have quit. Still a Republican though.
September 5, 2007 Hillary Clinton maintains she’s the candidate of change. Bush. Clinton. Bush. Clinton. Sounds more like rotation to me.
September 4, 2007 President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq over Labor Day weekend. Nice of him to visit the course he intends to stay on.
August 31, 2007 Recently retired Attorney General Alberto Gonzales will probably write a book. Taking a cue from O.J., he should title it: “If I Remembered it.”
August 30, 2007 Oh yes he did. Idaho Senator Larry Craig opened his press conference to announce how not gay he was, welcomed the crowd, by saying “Thank you for coming out today.” This guy is beyond clueless.
August 29, 2007 In President Bush’s speech to the Veterans of Foreign Wars, he made an analogy between Vietnam and Iraq. You know I can’t help but think if he had gone to one, we wouldn’t be in the other.
August 28, 2007 The latest National Intelligence Estimate says the Iraqi government is paralyzed by internal squabbling and petty personal differences. So, apparently, we have made some strides in installing an American-style democracy over there.
August 27, 2007 Alberto Gonzales resigned. Wow! First, Karl Rove, now the Attorney General. At this rate, Laura will be out of there by Halloween.
August 24, 2007 George Bush is hinting that Iraqi President Nouri Al-Maliki is on his way out. Ah, if only it were the other way around.
August 23, 2007 Leona Helmsley died this week at the age of 87. Of heart failure. Who knew?
August 22, 2007 Karl Rove quit his job in order to spend more time lying to his family.
August 21, 2007 The Republican Presidential Candidate lineup is whiter than mashed potatoes on paper plates with a side of stewed leeks.
August 20, 2007 Karl Rove, Bush’s brain, hasn’t been replaced, so yes, you could say the cavity remains empty.
August 18, 2007 The biggest difference between Elvis and John McCain’s campaign is there are people who still believe Elvis is alive.
August 17, 2007 Karl Rove is proof that Satan and the Pillsbury Doughboy had more than just a passing acquaintance.
August 15, 2007 While, Mitt Romney won the Iowa Straw Poll over the weekend, former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson lost to the straw.
August 14, 2007 French President Nicolas Sarkozy attended a barbecue at the Bush Compound in Kennebunkport. Pretty sure they didn’t serve freedom fries.
August 13, 2007 Karl Rove announced he is leaving the White House at the end of August. Of course, he has always served at the pleasure of the president. Of Halliburton.
August 10, 2007 The US has misplaced over 19,000 assault weapons that may have fallen into the hands of insurgents. Turns out we can’t even find our own Weapons of Mass Destruction.
August 9, 2007 The Democratic candidates held a debate outdoors at Soldier Field in Chicago in August. Who’s the genius who put this together, Karl Rove?
August 6, 2007 Now that Rupert Murdoch owns the Wall Street Journal, I guess we can soon expect headlines like: “Biotech Ate My Trust Fund Baby.”
August 3, 2007 We’re so polarized these days, I’m surprised our compasses still work.
August 2, 2007 Senator Mitch McConnell threatens to scuttle the bipartisan ethics reform the House already passed. Everybody knows millionaire Senators don’t need the oversight; it's those poor House members that are the problem.
July 31, 2007 Now it turns out some Astronauts were drinking before missions. Who do these guys think they are? Northwest Airlines pilots?
July 30, 2007 FOX News couldn’t get anyone from the Bush Administration to defend Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on their FOX News Sunday show. That can’t be good. I think the next step is when the officer of the day asks if you want the contents of your office moved by U-Haul or Ryder.
July 26, 2007 This week’s Democratic debate featured questions provided by contributors to YouTube. As it turns out, the citizen inquisitors asked some pretty darn good questions. And as usual, the career politicians avoided answering those pretty darn good questions like a flock of hummingbirds weaving through a chain link fence.
July 25, 2007 Doctors diagnosed the five polyps removed from the president’s colon to be benign. Which is odd, considering how malignant the President is.
July 20, 2007 Louisiana Senator David Vitter apologized for his involvement with an alleged Washington prostitution service and went on to say “I’m eager to get on with my work.” I bet he is. If you know what I mean.
July 19, 2007 Reportedly, Al Qaeda is now in recruitment mode. Wonder what their pitch is? “We oppress more basic human rights before 8 am than most barbaric fanatical regimes do all day”?
July 18, 2007 I’m not saying John McCain is broke, but not only will he lower your taxes, he will also wash your windshield.
July 17, 2007 Hillary is determined to pick up more women voters. Which coincidentally is her husband’s goal as well.
July 16, 2007 President Bush says we’ve turned the corner in Iraq. What is that, about 16 corners we’ve turned? I think they call that running in circles.
July 12, 2007 Al Gore III was arrested doing 100 mph in a Prius and for possession of pot and illegally obtained prescription drugs. And what all of America wants to know is: You can do 100 mph in a Prius?
July 11, 2007
Q. What’s the difference between Paris Hilton and Scooter Libby?
A. 23 days.
July 4, 2007 Aaah. The 4th of July in Milwaukee. Let’s drink a lot of beer and handle explosives. Lot of guys named “Lefty” in Wisconsin. And “Patch.”
July 3, 2007 Hillary Clinton should have a dance named after her. First you put a toe out to test the waters, a finger in the air to see which way the wind blows, then you rock back and forth like you’re straddling a fence. And that’s what we call the “Hillary.”
June 29, 2007 A CNN poll says 69 percent of Americans believe things are going badly in Iraq. Who are the 31 percent who still think things are going well?
June 28, 2007 Now that Paris Hilton has paid her debt to society, we need a judge to hit her with a restraining order barring her from recording studios. Call it Community service.
June 27, 2007 Dick Cheney maintains he does not belong to the Executive branch and earlier said he didn’t belong to the Legislative branch and he sure ain’t part of the Judicial branch, so he must belong to that previously unknown 4th branch of government: Cheneystaniana.
June 26, 2007 Michael Bloomberg might run for President, and he's guessing the American people might prefer a billionaire running the country instead of a politician. Good way to eliminate the middleman.
June 25, 2007 Now Dick Cheney claims he’s not part of the Executive Branch. After he’s indicted by the World Court, he should claim immunity due to not actually being human.
June 22, 2007 Bush vetoed another stem cell bill, but Democrats are expected to keep introducing it since they are depending on that research to grow themselves a spine.
June 21, 2007 Quite a sight when the President and the Pope got together. One guy who considers himself God’s own personal infallible emissary on earth and the other guy is the Pope.
June 20, 2007 The only Republican running for President to oppose torture is John McCain, the guy who actually was tortured. Go figure.
June 19, 2007 Jimmy Carter called the Bush Administration, “The worst Presidency in history.” And that can’t be good. Like having your drug intervention hosted by Robert Downey Jr.
June 14, 2007 President Bush tried to lobby Senate Republicans to revive his immigration bill. In response they sent him a doornail.
June 13, 2007 George Bush is the Paris Hilton of Presidents. The two of them share the smirk and the obliviousness and the trust funders’ undying belief in their eternal impunity from culpability.
June 12, 2007 Republican Senators scuttled a possible immigration compromise citing concerns that illegals would siphon off taxpayer money. When after all, that’s their job.
June 6, 2007 The most important man in America for the next 20 months is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens’ doctor.
June 5, 2007 The President called upon the leaders of the top 15 greenhouse gas producing nations to lower emissions by the end of next year, or he’ll quit being President.
June 4, 2007 George Bush maintains that America pulled out too quickly from Vietnam. You know, if only we’d had ourselves a good man like him over there, we might have held out longer.
May 31, 2007 The next time ocean-going behemoths appear in waters in which you don’t think they belong, LEAVE THEM ALONE. GET OUT OF THEIR WAY. DON’T EVEN LOOK AT THEM. Let the immense beasts go their own way without your questionable assistance. They are not your species monkey boy. I have a theory as to why the humpback whales returned to sea. Either they were distressed at all the diesel fuel you were wasting exhibiting your extreme concern or they were afraid your concern might turn taxidermic. Does the term “hunting for blubber” have any meaning here? Save the Whales, my ass. They’re whales. Save yourself.
May 30, 2007 Mitt Romney has flip flopped so much he’s actually triggered a stage 4 John Kerry alert.
May 29, 2007 The 10 old rich white Republicans running for President are scheduled to have another debate over who could better care for the average working American millionaire.
May 28, 2007 It's Memorial Day, and George Bush is expected to fashion a mission statement about not having a mission statement.
May 27, 2007 Though Bush’s approval rating has dipped to 28% he remains unfazed. After all, he’s familiar with these kind of figures from college.
May 26, 2007 President Bush is determined to push on with OOPC. Operation Other People’s Children.
May 25, 2007 The Democrats are promising to challenge the President to pull out his veto crayon again.
May 24, 2007 Hillary Clinton is looking for a campaign theme song. I’m guessing Mitch Ryder’s “Devil In the Blue Dress” is not going to make the short list.
May 23, 2007 The Democrats are promising to challenge the President to pull out his veto crayon again.
May 22, 2007 Wal Mart plans to open more stores in Russia where the people are oppressed and impoverished. So at least the working conditions won’t pose any cultural clashes.
May 21, 2007 Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is expected to step down and at this point even liberals have to be wondering if John Ashcroft is available as a replacement.
May 19, 2007 Dick Cheney is a shark with glasses. Which might be the basis of his heart problems. His native species is not totally familiar with the function of that particular organ. What’s he have, a cardiovascular event every three weeks? Got a pacemaker the size of a garage door opener.
May 18, 2007 Rudy Giuliani is reaching out to the pro-choice, pro-science, pro-gay rights wing of the Republican Party. And staffers are bragging he’s already got both of them locked up.
May 17, 2007 The Republican Presidential candidates debated this week. Ten old rich white guys all wearing the exact same suit. It was easy to pin the radicals. They threw caution to the wind and wore striped ties.
May 15, 2007 I wonder if the gift shop in the George W Bush Library at Southern Methodist University will stock copies of “My Pet Goat.”
May 14, 2007 Dick Cheney went to Baghdad last week without dredging up another deferment. I suppose, just like kids, wars are different, when they’re your own.
May 11, 2007 On Memorial Day, President Bush plans to lay a wreath at the tomb of the unknown exit strategy.
May 10, 2007 The President is sure Iran is sending weapons into Iraq. As sure as he was when his daddy sold weapons to Iraq.
May 9, 2007 George Bush hosted the Queen of England and what a sight that must have been. A pompous, arrogant, figurehead of a leader and a Queen.
May 7, 2007 A Washington Madam has turned over her list of Capitol Hill clients to ABC News. Turns out politicians don’t just do that to their constituents.
May 4, 2007 President Bush is now talking about an acceptable level of violence in Iraq. Must be like the acceptable level of corruption we’re enjoying here.
May 3, 2007 The President vetoed the supplemental war bill sent to him by Congress because it would turn Iraq into a “cauldron of chaos.” Mission Accomplished!
May 1, 2007 President Bush maintains that Iraq resembles America more and more every day. Yeah, our generals want us out of there as well.
April 30, 2007 The President is urging the press to wait until all the information is in before convicting Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. In other words, this isn’t Guantanamo Bay.
April 27, 2007 Everybody keeps asking how a madman in Virginia Tech got a hold of a gun. How come nobody is asking how a madman in Washington started a war?
April 26, 2007 Poor Alberto Gonzales. I can totally relate. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone from one room to another, stopped and completely forgotten why. He just did this 74 times in one day while testifying.
April 25, 2007 John Kerry is reconsidering his decision not to run for President due to a plethora of unsolicited contributions. Wonder how many of them came from Republicans? John McCain sang “Bomb- Bomb- Bomb. Bomb- Bomb- Iran” to the tune of the Beach Boys’ “Barbara Ann” at a town hall meeting in South Carolina. Can’t wait for him to decimate Credence Clearwater singing “There’s a Bathroom on the Right.”
April 24, 2007 I’m afraid it is my duty to impart some bad news, people, and I advise you all to sit down before you fall down. The Attorney General of the United States apparently is suffering from a horrible disease. Best case scenario is we’re talking a tertiary case of situational amnesia here. And for a lawyer, that can’t be good. In his recent appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Alberto Gonzales was unable to recall anything … 45 times. And that was before lunch. Maybe it’s simply a case of hypoglycemia, since after lunch, he only couldn’t recollect 29 times. I don’t mean to minimize the critical nature of this crisis but the solution seems obvious to me: between-meal snacks. John Edwards spent $400.00 for a haircut, which makes you wonder if he’s running for president, or positioning himself for a job in Pentagon procurement.
April 23, 2007 The President refuses to fire Attorney General Alberto Gonzales because the guy’s title and name both start with AG and it's the only way he can remember who’s filling the position.
April 20, 2007 The US Supreme Court has upheld a law that restricts abortions. Next on the docket: 2% milk--the work of the devil?
April 19, 2007 GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he was a lifelong hunter then acknowledged he’s only been hunting twice. Which qualifies George Bush as a lifelong Baghdad resident.
April 17, 2007 President of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, was booed by bank employees amid chants of “resign, resign,” while walking through the lobby. Ah, that’s the Paul we know: spreading joy wherever he goes.
April 16, 2007 First MSNBC fired Don Imus, then CBS fired Don Imus, and not to be left out, ESPN, TWA, the IRS and PDT have all announced they have fired Don Imus as well.
April 14, 2007 Over at the White House, the President’s head is in danger of snapping right off as he swivels to and fro explaining why he won’t sign the $120 billion supplemental war funding bill about to be sent to him by the Democratic Congress. Initially he claimed his threatened veto was due to the bill’s surfeit of Democratic earmarks. Then his earmarks were found stapled to it, not to mention hundreds of Republican legislative post- it notes attached to the $94 billion supplemental war funding bill he did sign last June. Causing him to switch tactics faster than a fifth year art school undergrad disrobes at Burning Man. Now says he won’t sign the bill because of its artificial timetable for Iraqi troop withdrawal. Apparently he’s interested in an organic timetable. An heirloom tomato and tofu timetable.
April 13, 2007 Congressman Mike Pence (R- Ind) called his heavily fortified trip to a market in Baghdad “like a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime,” putting his foot so deep in his mouth, surely his Kevlar loafer got wrapped in his own lower intestine.
April 12, 2007 Rudy Giuliani told the state of Alabama he doesn’t see anything wrong with flying the Confederate Flag. And those hotel pillowcases with the eye holes cut in them… snazzy!
April 11, 2007 Newt Gingrich said AG Alberto Gonzales is out of control and called for him to quit. Being called out of control by Newt Gingrich. Whoa. That can’t be good. Like having your drug intervention hosted by Keith Richards.
April 10, 2007 GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he was a lifelong hunter then later acknowledged he’s only been hunting twice. Which qualifies George Bush as a lifelong reader.
April 7, 2007 These days the miracle of Easter Sunday is getting a reservation for brunch.
April 6, 2007 A new study says one third of the people living in D.C. are functionally illiterate. No wonder the presence of George Bush doesn’t bother them.
April 5, 2007 Keith Richards revealed he mixed his father’s ashes into cocaine and snorted them. Not quite cannibalism. What is it? Oh yeah, stupid.
April 4, 2007 In honor of the opening of baseball season, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales plans to throw out the First Amendment.
April 3, 2007 This is my favorite holiday of the Christian calendar: Easter, when Christ comes out of the cave, sees his shadow, and baseball season starts. Prince Charles suggested Britain ban all McDonald’s. He said they offer no real public value and are fronted by a clown. Dangerously close to describing the monarchy as well.
April 2, 2007 When people talk about how in America, anybody can grow up to be President, I’m not sure George Bush is exactly what they had in mind.
March 30, 2007 More and more cities in America are prosecuting people who give free food away to the homeless. Wonder if you're supposed to call the DAs Bad Samaritans?
March 29, 2007 Halliburton may be moving its corporate headquarters to Dubai but will still maintain a significant presence here in the US through the Vice President's office.
March 28, 2007 Rudy Giuliani is highlighting his commitment to traditional family values. And having had three wives just means he’s extra traditional.
March 27, 2007 I'm back in the Midwest, and people here drink like someone is going to take it away soon. You just have to applaud that kind of commitment.
March 26, 2007 Bush’s reasoning is if his staff is compelled to testify, they might be reluctant to give him advice. Reviewing his actions lately, maybe that's not such a bad thing.
March 23, 2007 You can never tell if Barack Obama’s motorcade is getting a police escort or if he’s being pulled over.
March 22, 2007 Hillary Clinton has announced that “the vast right wing conspiracy” is back. Funny, I would hazard to say Barack Obama is to her left.
March 21, 2007 In response to the Democrats’ plan to subpoena staffers to find what they say is a wolf in the White House, President Bush warned them to back off or he’ll huff and he’ll puff and he’ll blow their house down.
March 20, 2007 A shame to bid adieu to winter so soon. It's the only time of the year when you can find a politician’s hands reaching into his own pockets.
March 19, 2007 Karl Rove said the flap over the US Attorney firings is “pure politics.” And coming from the master, Democrats should consider it the ultimate compliment.
March 9, 2007 President Bush is scheduled to head off on a trade mission to Central and South America, and the best case scenario has him exchanging Florida straight up for Costa Rica.
March 8, 2007 Speculation is rife as to whether President Bush will pardon Scooter Libby. My theory is he’ll wait for Cheney to be indicted.
March 7, 2007 Vice President Cheney didn’t travel to Iraq & Pakistan on Air Force Two, but rather in the belly of a cargo plane named “The Spirit of Strom Thurmond.”
March 6, 2007 The President plans another retreat to Camp David to clear his head. I guess it works a little like an Etch- A- Sketch.
February 28, 2007 Al Qaeda is recruiting for its war on America. Wonder if they need a recruiting slogan: “We oppress more basic human rights before 7 am than most barbaric fanatical regimes do all day.”
February 27, 2007 Dick Cheney refuses to apologize for calling the Democrats agents of Al Qaeda. It's not easy for Satan to apologize. Sets a bad example to his demon minions.
February 26, 2007 Al Gore won an Academy Award on Sunday, but don’t be surprised if the Florida Supreme Court takes it away and awards it to the brother of some Governor.
February 23, 2007 Wonder if Senator Clinton will use the defense that she voted to go to war because she never thought a President of the US would lie to her?
February 22, 2007 With about 30 people already announced they are running for President, one can only blame George Bush for giving the impression that anybody can do it.
February 21, 2007 A Federal Appeals court determined prisoners in Guantanamo Bay do not have the right to habeus corpus since Cuba has sovereignty over it and not the US. A fact which should interest a certain Mister Castro not more than somewhat.
February 16, 2007 Q. Why are there no Republicans on Star Trek? A. Because it’s set in the future.
February 15, 2007 For us political comics, Bush is like if Reagan and Quayle had a kid. He’s Quagan.
February 14, 2007 Newt Gingrich has not ruled out a run for the Oval Office in '08. President Newt. Whoa. That’s scarier than the Denny Hastert Swimsuit Calendar.
February 13, 2007 New White House pastry chef William Yosses is author of “Desserts for Dummies.” So apparently, he’s qualified.
February 12, 2007 Emerging from rehab, Reverend Ted Haggard declared himself 100% heterosexual. He still enjoys show tunes, but switched from the Julie Andrew parts to the Robert Goulet parts.
February 9, 2007 Paris Hilton received 36 months probation for her drunken driving arrest. I hear she was offered community service but the community declined.
February 8, 2007 George Bush says we have no plans to invade Iran. Terrific. Another war he’s going to enter into without a plan.
February 7, 2007 Unfortunately for the Chicago Bears, they left most of their Super Bowl weapons in Tank Johnson’s living room.
February 6, 2007 The Senate plans debate on a non-binding resolution to oppose the President’s proposed Iraqi surge. Think of it like a slap in the face with a glove filled with pudding.
February 5, 2007 John Edwards is in trouble for building a $6 million mansion in North Carolina, which may be the most expensive residence in the state. Here in San Francisco, it wouldn’t even be the most expensive residence on the block.
February 2, 2007 During a surprise trip to the NYSE, George Bush criticized the lavish pay packages of American CEOs. The nicest way to characterize the response he received is … muted.
February 1, 2007 On the very day he announced his run for the Presidency, Joe Biden dropped a verbal gaffe of withdrawable import. Like breaking a leg out of the gate. If this guy were a horse, we’d have to shoot him.
January 30, 2007 Dennis Kucinich has decided to skip New Hampshire till this summer. He polled his supporters and both of them agreed it was the right thing to do.
January 29, 2007 President Bush has taken hypocrisy to a new level. He’s the Da Vinci of BS.
January 26, 2007 With about 70 candidates running for President it seems George Bush has convinced the country that pretty much anybody can do the job.
January 25, 2007 In his State of the Union Address, the President said we should go along with his new plan in Iraq. He’d have a better shot if only that plan included his resignation.
January 19, 2007 Scooter Libby’s trial is about to begin and the Vice President is expected to testify on his behalf. If I were the prosecutor I‘d sprinkle holy water across the courthouse entrance to keep him from entering.
January 18, 2007 President Bush says we are not prepared to make the same mistakes in Iraq. So, apparently the plan calls for a brand new set of mistakes.
January 17, 2007 Governor Schwarzenegger closed the Golden Globe Awards with “We’ll be back.” You know, that was cute the first 8,000 times, but it's gotten a bit old.
January 15, 2007 Bush plans to send more troops to Iraq. And a change in mission necessitates a change in the name of the mission. I suggest “Operation Other People’s Children.”
January 12, 2007 George Bush is as wrong as Wyoming sushi. And he seems stubbornly determined to continue to be wrong in a no brakes in a tank, down a hill, headed for a Boy Scout camp at dawn sort of way. In the movie “Rocky Balboa,” Sylvester Stallone has a secret advantage. Any shot to his chest is now considered below the belt.
January 11, 2007 It'll be interesting to see how the Democrats handle being in charge of Congress. The biggest reason they avoided corruption the last 12 years is nobody attempts to pay off people who can’t get anything done.
January 10, 2007 After the President calls for his surge of troops into Iraq, are we allowed to call the General in charge of implementing it, the Surgin’ General?
January 9, 2007 Republicans are complaining the Democratic majority is locking them out of the legislative process. Ha ha ha. Heh heh heh. I’m sorry. You can’t make stuff up like this.
January 8, 2007 Nancy Pelosi keeps talking about the 110th’s first 100 hours. Of course with the work load Congress normally puts in, this might take till June.
January 5, 2007 Republicans claim the Democratic proposal to expand the Congressional work week to five days is anti-family. Sounds like the Republicans aren’t all that familiar with families that actually work.
January 4, 2007 Nancy Pelosi now follows only Dick Cheney in Presidential succession. Which is even closer when you consider one loud noise and he’s room temperature.
January 2, 2007 While lying in state, first at the Apollo Theater in New York and then down in Augusta, Georgia, James Brown’s body had three costume changes. He may be dead, but he’s still the hardest working man in show business.