Dear Justice Thomas,
Summer’s almost here! I’m writing to invite you on a vacation. I realize we’ve never met, but you’re a lawyer and I’m a lawyer, so we have a lot in common. I’m hoping we could get to know each other, and perhaps become the dearest of friends.
My family doesn’t have an Adirondacks resort, private airplane, or superyacht, so I propose a road trip. Our 2007 family car is sturdy and reliable, and rest assured, we’ve vacuumed the Cheerios and kid detritus out of the seats.
Here are some travel options for you and Ginni to consider: we could drive to Niagara Falls, to Lake Placid, or—if you want an international adventure—to Montreal. Luckily, with all three choices, there are plenty of Walmarts along the way (I know you like their parking lots). We’d pass more Walmarts en route to Niagara Falls, but on the other hand, it could be fascinating to see a foreign Walmart parking lot in faraway Montreal.
I’ll pack sandwiches; do you and Ginni prefer tuna or turkey? Whole wheat, or a roll?
Chad Horwedel/Flickr
The car used in the ‘National Lampoon’s Vacation' films.
We’ll cover the lodging, of course! I’m a Hilton Honors member, which helps with a good rate. Or we could put the reservations in your name and get a senior discount on all our rooms. On the other hand, I’m not sure if that’s ethical; my husband and I aren’t old enough to qualify for the AARP discount. If you prefer camping, I can probably borrow a tent from someone in my local Buy Nothing neighborhood trade-and-recycle group.
While we’re traveling, I’ll take care to avoid talking about workers’ rights or unions or labor issues, even though that’s what I think about most of my waking hours. I’ll also steer clear of voting rights or Black Lives Matter. And we should just enjoy the climate, not talk about whether it’s changing. Carpe diem, right?
One topic I’ll be sure not to mention on our trip, just to give a completely random example from thin air, is National Labor Relations Act preemption and whether workers should have to face tort lawsuits by employers if some product spoils during the course of a strike. And who wants to talk about college admissions and student body diversity or websites for gay weddings when you’re on the open road?
I definitely don’t want to talk about topics like these because, you never know, these issues could potentially, eventually, one day in the far future come up in a case before you, and I wouldn’t want a scintilla of a shred of a hint of impropriety. This is just a vacation, some needed rest and relaxation among new yet fast friends.
Oh, and speaking of friends, some of my buddies may join us if that’s all right. You’ll love them; they’re lawyers, too, just like you and me. One works for a labor union, another for Everytown, and the third is a civil rights litigator. They’ve heard so much about you and are looking forward to shooting the breeze. Maybe we can rent paddle boats at Lake Taghkanic State Park? We could sing funny songs, or each person could share what they see in the clouds.
I know you like oil paintings, but I wasn’t sure how to find a portrait artist; I hope it’s okay if instead, I just take lots of snapshots on my phone. I can put together a Shutterfly calendar as a memento. Or would you prefer a mousepad?
So how about it, Justice Thomas (or can I call you Clarence)? I know you already have many dear friends, but please remember the Girl Scout song: “Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold.” Speaking of Girl Scouts, which do you like more: Thin Mints or Trefoils?
One more thing: let’s keep this our little secret. It’s just some entirely one hundred percent personal hospitality. A memorable trip with the dearest of friends.
With warm affection and happy thoughts of memories to be made,
Terri
P.S. Do you prefer Edible Arrangements with chocolate-covered fruit, or with the fruit alone? Just wondering. ☺