Photo by ShielandShilo
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And a large part of what makes it so goldarn fabulous is the festive array of idiosyncratic traditions each family imprints on their holiday gene map like a candy cane tattoo on the soft flesh behind your knee.
Every family has its own take on wreaths, ornaments, mistletoe, cookies, carols, cards, thirty-foot inflatable snowman, sleds perched precariously on rooftops, stockings, red and green everything, poinsettias, yule logs, elves, nutcrackers, indoor lights, outdoor lights, lighted candles, lighted ornaments, lighted inflatable snowmen, and musically co-ordinated, laser-lighted extravaganzas that can be seen from orbiting satellites.
There’s the foliage conundrum. Live tree or phony tree. Aluminum, plastic, flocked? Flocked aluminum? As long as it’s sincere. And the eternal question pondered by Western religious experts for centuries: tinsel or no tinsel?
My motley crew starts every gathering with generous amounts of adult amber beverages. We end them that way as well. And fill a large part of the middle. Because, as my lovely wife Debi Ann famously says, “every time a martini is shaken, an angel gets its wings.”
After a little investigative reportage, we here at Durstco have uncovered a few of the family traditions the presidential candidates plan on practicing this joyous season and present them here for your viewing pleasure.
Carly Fiorina will watch It’s a Wonderful Life and root for Mr. Potter.
Ben Carson plans to hand out belts to the homeless that are two sizes too small to encourage them to diet.
Rick Santorum will trot out his annual “dangle the stuffed santa legs up the chimney” and encourage kids shoot at them with shotguns to stress the importance of their Second Amendment rights.
Once again, Bernie Sanders will hire a team of native Inuit caterers to roast an entire reindeer, which he then will refuse to eat.
The whole Donald Trump family will dress up in Santa Claus outfits and limo around New York City throwing lumps of coal at poor people.
Hillary Clinton annually commissions a local artist to create industrial strength tinsel, that in a pinch could be used to strangle members of the vast rightwing conspiracy. Or husbands.
John Kasich spreads joy amongst yon round Ohio virgins.
Marco Rubio will travel back to his parents’ homeland of Cuba and try to dig up dirt on Ted Cruz’s father.
Ted Cruz will travel back to his father’s homeland of Cuba and try to dig up dirt on Marco Rubio’s family.
Jeb Bush plans to plaster a phony smile on his face and suffer through another family dinner where his father and brother tell fascinating stories about being Commander-in-Chief. Again.
Rand Paul and his father Ron revive an old Texas tradition by painstakingly separating their seasonal collection of fruitcakes into individual fruits, then throwing them at passing Volkswagen vans.
Chris Christie’s holiday meal consists of low-calorie, Weight Watchers turkey dinners. Ninteen of them.
Mike Huckabee will organize a bus tour, dress as a vengeful god and scream holiday epithets outside entrances of Planned Parenthood.
God bless us everyone. Or as we say in politically correct San Francisco, “may the corpulent bearded one in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.” Flock it.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former forklift operator.