Paul Corio
Usually over the period of twelve months, your good days and your bad days sort of balance out. But this year, the bad days hogged all the good rides so that the good days couldn’t even get to the first step of the ladder for the slide.
2017 has been to years what poisonous prairie brambles are to mobile surgery units. Think Steve Bannon as your Martin Luther King Dinner keynote speaker. Gravel in your blender. You get the idea.
And it’s all because of one man: Donald John Trump. The former New York City real-estate developer and reality-TV star dominated the world stage the way a horse does a dog show. A big horse at a toy dog show.
The overall direction became evident on Day One of Trump’s Reign of Error: January 20, Inauguration Day. Half the world expected the newly inducted forty-fifth President to put his hand on the Bible and have it burst into flames. And his speech was creepy dark. A cross between Nixon and Lord Voldemort.
His spokesman claimed it was the largest inaugural crowd in the history of ever, a fact debunked by that cutting-edge, modern technology: photography. He also claimed to have won the most electoral votes of any President since Reagan. Which is true only if you don’t count Clinton, Bush, or Obama. Outside of that, spot on.
Most administrations try to hit the ground running. The Trump Administration hit the ground careening. Michael Flynn lasted less than a month as National Security Advisor after what he called “inadvertently” providing “incomplete information.” A newly coined euphemism for lying. Male cow excreta.
The President fired FBI Director James Comey in May, citing numerous reasons, including that he’s a big-time “showboat.” Trump said that. About somebody else. He also said one reason he fired James Comey was because of how he handled the Hillary Clinton email situation. If there’s one thing Trump will not stand for, it’s someone being unfair to Hillary.
Former FBI Director Robert Mueller was subsequently appointed to oversee the investigation into Russia’s election interference. It’s the fastest any President has been targeted with a special prosecutor. It took Trump just four months to go from zero to Nixon.
Then there was Trump’s protestation that “nobody knew health care could be so complicated.” In fact, everybody knew, except Trump. Perhaps this is why, traditionally, the presidency has not been an entry-level position. Supposedly, he’s a quick study, but his learning curve seems to have run out of bendy parts.
As Mueller’s probe deepened, administration staffers started lawyering up. His lawyers hired lawyers who had their own lawyers. Who had a team on retainer. He is putting the country back to work. One attorney at a time. Going to Make America Litigate Again.
Trump accused Obama of bugging Trump Tower. Played Thermonuclear Chicken with Kim Jong-un. Apologized for racists. Encouraged NFL owners to tell their players to keep tap-dancing. Blamed Puerto Rico for having a hurricane. Now we know why the man never apologizes. If he ever started, he’d be forced to spend every waking minute doing it.
The President calls his administration “a fine-tuned machine,” which certainly sounds better than “out-of-control dumpster fire,” but might be a tad less accurate.
He insulted the media. The judiciary. The intelligence community. His own staff. His own Cabinet. His own family. Mexicans. Muslims. Women. Muslim women. Women who are Mexicanish. Rand Paul. Paul Ryan. Ryan Reynolds. Reynolds Wrap. Nambia. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Stephen Colbert. Meryl Streep. MERYL STREEP!
And still, the President calls his administration “a fine-tuned machine.” Which certainly sounds better than “out-of-control dumpster fire,” but might be a tad less accurate. The only saving grace is that, after eleven months, he can’t get anything done. You could stuff all of Trump’s accomplishments into a shot glass and they would rattle around like a golf ball in a railroad car.
Being alive during the Trump era is like being behind a guy who just ate four corn dogs. He’s the Galaxy Note 7 of politics. Not guaranteed to blow, but requires constant monitoring. Every day without a mushroom cloud has to be counted as a victory. Although, if the November Blue Rise was any indication, we just might get to ride the slide in 2018.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic, and former bellboy at the Milwaukee Athletic Club. For a calendar of personal appearances, visit willdurst.com.