President Donald Trump has failed at many endeavors: casinos, airlines, universities, steaks, wine, vodka, board games, two marriages, armed forces physicals, White House communications department staffing, swamp-draining, and convincing foreign countries to pay for his wall. But one thing he did excel at was reality television. The man has a real knack for pretending to be authentic.
Trump’s greatest public triumphs occurred during the fourteen seasons he hosted NBC’s The Apprentice, in a command position he likened to a throne. Nobody in the history of the medium has been able to say “You’re fired!” with the kind of staccato bravado he perfected.
Which could explain why Trump runs his presidency as the Oval Office Apprentice. To him, this whole governance thing is little more than a reality game show played on a slightly larger scale. Screw the ramifications as long as the spotlight shines on him and ratings remain high.
Donald Trump picks celebrities to fill positions of authority and then pits these out-of-their-depth amateurs against each other to determine who’s the most obsequious. But the show is riveting.
It was spellbinding to see Trump cancel a meeting with Kim Jong-un. But then, we cheered as the two finally met in Singapore for the World’s Wackiest Leaders with the Most Peculiar Hair Summit. It was a triumph! Until Secretary of State Mike Pompeo went to follow up and discovered it wasn’t.
We thrilled as the forty-fifth President considered pardoning Martha Stewart. We were wowed when Kim Kardashian went to the White House for the largest display of pomposity since Jimmy Carter hosted the Upper Michigan Donkey Basketball Tournament champions.
We were captivated when Trump chastised NATO and called Vladimir Putin the best thing since sliced bread. We were shocked when his Attorney General cited the Bible to justify Trump’s policy of separating immigrant parents from their children, then mesmerized when the President explained that the problem was optics. Apparently, “kids in cages” looks good on paper, but plays less well on TV.
We cried tears of laughter as members of the administration snarkily revealed their theories as to why everything we know is wrong. Racism is good. Health care is bad. Coal is the future. Rich people need more money. Dictators are our friends and the free press is the enemy. Judges aren’t necessary; we can tell who’s guilty just by looking at them.
And, in case you even thought of not tuning in, here is a preview of the rest of the season leading up to Midterm Madness:
Conservatives in close races assemble and compete to see who can create the loudest suction noise to entice the former real estate developer to campaign in their districts.
Don’t miss the next person voted off the island.
Don’t miss the next person voted off the island. And who will be his or her replacement? A supermodel? Another Fox News broadcaster? Could it be one of us? “Come on down!”
Your head will completely pop off as you try to guess which of Trump’s lawyers will accidentally admit that the President is indeed guilty of Russian collusion, but who cares?
See what the First Lady will have painted on her jacket on her next compassion trip, after she visited detained immigrant kids with “I really don’t care. Do u?” scrawled on her back. Are the messages clues? Wait and see.
Sparks fly when brawls break out between our beloved leader’s Cabinet secretaries as they sabotage each other when Robert Mueller’s hammer starts to drop.
Meanwhile, in the wings, Miss Congeniality, Vice President Mike Pence, stands breathlessly by with the medical team, holding a rose.
And don’t be surprised when the master game player teases us with the ultimate cliffhanger: Will he or won’t he pardon himself for crimes he didn’t commit? Stay tuned: You don’t want to miss the fall finale. One thing you’ve got to admit, it ain’t boring!