The Illinois General Assembly appears to be on the verge of passing legislation that would ban the private possession of assault weapons in our state.
I used to be adamantly in favor of assault weapons bans. I figured that no one needed to own a machine gun unless they intended to kill large numbers of human beings.
But then I saw a movie that completely changed my mind. It was a movie about the zombie apocalypse. Swarms of zombies were marauding through the city. Well, they weren’t exactly marauding. At the pace they were moving, it was more like they were sleepwalking. But there were millions of zombies coming from all directions, converging on law-abing, God-fearing Americans who didn’t have a prayer of surviving because they were so woefully underarmed.
But if these upstanding citizens had the freedom to stock up on machine guns without interference from busybody Big Brother (as our founding fathers so clearly mandated when they wrote the Second Amendment), they might have had a fighting chance. It’s true that they would have had to shoot each zombie enough times to blow each of their heads clean off. But how can anyone hope to do that if they don’t have several machine guns on hand?
Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? How do I tell them apart so I know which gun toters to fear and not to fear?
And the day that the federal government neuters us all by confiscating our machine gun stashes will be the day that the zombie apocalypse will begin. You know how zombies are. All they care about is eating brains and they’ll satisfy their appetites by any means necessary. They’re so opportunistic and conniving. Like all vicious predators, they pounce when they sense weakness. So when the zombies know that we’re all unable to effectively defend ourselves against them, that’s when they’ll attack. Like the visionary Ronald Reagan said, “Peace through strength.”
And until I watched that zombie apocalypse movie, I never understood what people meant when they said, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” I was so confused by that sentiment. Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? How do I tell them apart so I know which gun toters to fear and not to fear? And what about those guys who come into Starbucks wearing guns? Are they there to shoot the place up or to shoot up anybody who tries to shoot the place up? Should I tackle those guys or salute them?
But now I know exactly who the bad guys are. The bad guys are the zombies. And mowing them down en masse isn’t equivalent to massacring humans because they’re not really humans, at least not any more.
I also know now that if the government takes away everyone’s machine guns, the zombies win!