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Throughout our lives, experiences shape and create who we will become as individuals. A bad heartbreak can make us skeptical of close relationships in the future. Unexpected help from a stranger can make us want to help others, too. And experiencing pure, unconditional love can develop a capacity to spread that love around. This is the story about the pure, unconditional love that my wife Chelsea and her dog Betsy (a.k.a. Chicken Sticks) shared, and how it shaped Chelsea into a person who loves me unconditionally.
I am in prison for a murder during an attempted home robbery that I committed when I had just turned twenty-two. It was the most serious of violent crimes, and it resulted in an exceptionally long sentence—forty-five years. Chelsea and I met during my incarceration and, thanks to her dog Betsy, whom I never met, we share an unconditional love for each other without which I would be lost. When Betsy recently passed, I cried for a pup with whom I had never been in the same room. But I knew the gift Betsy bestowed upon my wife became the best gift I’ll ever receive, because Betsy—the street dog my wife rescued from a shelter in East Los Angeles ten years ago—taught her how to love in the face of tremendous odds.
I never had the chance to pet Betsy’s ears, which Chelsea described as the softest things on Earth. But I often heard her bark, saw her face on screen during video visits, and frequently lobbied for her to receive extra treats. When it came to food, telling her “no” wasn’t an option. If Betsy wanted something to eat, she’d bark that unforgiving beagle bark that vibrates eardrums, and stare at you with those pathetic-but-cute eyes that are impossible to refuse.
There are no shortage of characteristics that made Betsy a royal pain in the ass: she took up the entire bed with thirty pounds of dead weight, her hair was in every nook and cranny of the car and house, her bark was unmatched and she wasn't afraid to use it, she ate her own poop (we never talk about this) and all the strawberries in the summer, right off the vines. She also never smelled all that great.
Incarcerated individuals like me rely on connections with people outside prison walls to give us hope, purpose, and something to look forward to.
Still, she walked around like she was the queen of the planet. She even had a “throne” in our house—the house Chelsea and I share, even though I’ve never been there—that no one dared to sit in. Not for fear of being bitten—Betsy only had one tooth—but because the throne was covered in her hair. If she could’ve talked, though, I’m sure Betsy would have said it was because people “knew better.”
Nevertheless, she had a special way of making Chelsea happy. She knew when to give cuddles and when her assistance was required to clean the kitchen floor after Chelsea cooked. But most importantly, Betsy taught Chelsea how to love a sentient being, not when it’s easy or convenient, but when it’s necessary and uncontrollable. She taught her how to love based on the undeniable connection you share with another being, despite everything that stands in its way.
Many of us struggle to do this in today’s world. Taking a leap to follow our heart can seem impossible, foolish, and unrealistic. Unconditional love requires sacrifice, and these days, when so many in our communities are only out for themselves, many of us refuse to sacrifice anything for something or someone else. And without Betsy and their shared experience, I wonder if Chelsea could love me as she does. Not that I’m not loveable—because we all are—but because my situation does present many hurdles, as did Betsy’s. Yet, Chelsea never gave up on her, just like she’d never give up on me. Chelsea’s love and empathy for a rescue dog from East L.A., and her love for me—a guy from South Tacoma who others might think of as a “lost cause”—are simply unmatched.
I’m sure many passed Betsy up in that lonely shelter all those years ago, but Chelsea saw the beauty of her soul and took the leap to save our dog. For that, Betsy rewarded her with loads of messes to clean up, a stack of medical bills, and the gift of unconditional love. I’ll never forget her for that, because she helped Chelsea to take a leap with me as well. We knew our love would be logistically daunting, but Chelsea had already learned how to love in daunting circumstances.
Incarcerated individuals like me rely on connections with people outside prison walls to give us hope, purpose, and something to look forward to. We have a mass incarceration problem in this country, and the vast majority of us will eventually be released. Some of us will struggle in the outside world. If we don’t have family and friends to go home to, that struggle will be even more difficult. But when you’re in prison as long as I have been, it’s hard to maintain relationships and develop new ones with people on the outside. With help from Chicken Sticks, Chelsea didn’t let logistics stand in the way of our relationship.
We never know where, who, or what will shape who we’ll become. Life just happens, things and people just happen, and true love, unconditional love, pure love, is found in risky and unpredictable places, like an East L.A. animal shelter or a prison in Washington state.