Top Ten Possible Desperate Republican Conspiracy Theories

Today the New York Times has fundamentally debunked the Fox News/Republican/Clint Eastwood talking point that no attempt was made to prevent the murder of U.S. diplomats in Benghazi, Libya. With just days before Barack Obama—more than likely—wins reelection, it seems that the last wild conspiracy has fallen apart.

Trump has moved on from mere birtherism to college record charity blackmail.

Jerome Corsi has long since uprooted his Kenyan delusions in favor of “proving” Obama is gay with photos of him wearing a ring.

The “Obama's mom was a porn star” meme didn't seem to gain much traction either.

Then there was that guy who said that he and Obama used to teleport to Mars. Seriously.

And even the last minute mystery DVDs being shipped to likely Florida voters, which purportedly sheds light on Obama's “real” communist father, is being discounted by many as dirty politics.

Well, time is running out for a new a ridiculous right-wing theory to sway the election, so for your edutainment I have compiled the following list of possibilities:

10. “Barack Obama” is an undead ghoul named Bronco Bamma

Born Bronco Bamma in 1587, parts unknown, “Barack Obama” is an ageless mythological creature that feeds off the tears of exhausted little girls.

9. Barack Obama is an undeveloped GM prototype

Those “ears” making a little more sense now? How about that bailout? Ever see Steven King's Christine? Think about it. I haven't.

8. Barack Obama is Bigfoot

You ever seen them in the same forest at the same time? Exactly.

7. Barack Obama is a Wall Street Shill

Oh. Wait. This one's actually true. Never mind.

6. Barack Obama is made of crack cocaine

“Ba-rock” Obama was the CIA codename for the cocaine it sold to LA drug gangs, the profit of which funded the Nicaraguan Contras. You remember the film Traffic with Michael Douglas? And how the dolls were actually made out of drugs? Basically, Barack Obama is one of those drug dolls, who came to life—à la Child's Play—to destroy America. Yeah. That. I guess. Or whatever.

5. Barack Obama is a robot controlled by Alex Jones

The evidence is everywhere. Open your eyes, sheeple!

4. Barack Obama's presidency was never legitimate
Remember when Chief Justice Robert's flubbed the swearing in at Obama's inauguration? Ah-ha! It never counted. Wait. What? I just Googled this, and some lunatics were actually saying this at the time. Damn. I thought I made this up. What the hell is wrong with you people?

3. Barack Obama is a ghost

In an M. Knight Shyamalan-esque twist, you can only see and hear the president because you've been dead for the entire movie! Whoa.

2. Barack Obama, Faster and Furiouser

Despite the hyper-partisan efforts of Darrel Issa, and the ghost of Andrew Brietbart, Fortune roundly debunked the fallacious premise that the ATF intentionally walked guns into Mexico. However, there's certainly something sinister about making guns that can walk. Sooner or later, those guns will be running—flying around and murdering U.S. citizens in foreign lands. What am I saying? That totally hypothetical thing would be awesome. I mean, Obamer wants to take your flying guns away!

1. Barack Obama is really a black guy
The basketball. That Al Green riff. What I presume are menthol cigarettes. Some other stereotypical thing! Coincidence? And most damning, have you ever noticed how it looks like Obama has more melanin than every other previous president? Absolutely shocking. Someone call Tucker Carlson!

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