Small Favors | Molly Ivins
A Peppy Foreign Policy
What do you mean, you don't like George W. Bush's foreign policy? He's met twice now with Puddin' of Russia; he went to the G-8 deal and only one guy got killed; he met with the Popester, a rockin' guy, and didn't object that His Holiness was wearin' some kind of A-rab robe with a Jew-boy hat. Or even that His Holiness kept lookin' at his shoes while they talked about stemming cell phone research, or something. Karl told George W. he needed the Catholic vote, so Bush called the Popester "Sir." But he didn't refer to anyone in Italy as a wop.
So what if Puddin' liked the sport-fucker? Bush is in way over his head. Foreign policy is where the mule throwed Russell. It's worse than collectin' pick-up sticks with your butt cheeks.
Who ever thought Bush's first military action would be against Padre Island, Texas, which was supposed to replace Vieques, Puerto Rico?
OK, we've got the rejection of the Kyoto agreement, even though 5 percent of the world's population (us) is contributing 25 percent of the greenhouse gases. But as Jon Stewart said on The Daily Show, "The big dog eats first."
Then we've got the ABM treaty, the nuclear testing treaty, and the biological weapons treaty, all of which Bush has decided not to support. Not to mention your U.N. small-arms treaty, which the Bush delegate decided was some kind of anti-N.R.A. heresy. The delegate lost his vertical hold.
I don't know whether you saw this on TV (they ran it for one cycle and never mentioned it again), but our delegate to the negotiations about carrying the Kyoto protocol forward got booed by the delegates from 178 other nations when she said the U.S. wouldn't sign. Diplomats do not boo.
I realize everyone and his dog is writing about "the new isolationism," but there's some stuff they've left out.
Just a few short months ago, under Bill C., the U.S. was leading the charge to catch up with rotten, laundered money from illegal enterprises. We are all familiar with the Caymans, but the new play has moved to some small islands in the South Pacific favored by drug dealers, con men, crooked brokers, and the Marc Riches of the world. We used to think this was bad; now, under President Genius, we go along. Not for us the international efforts to curb the s.o.b.'s who steal money from their people and then bolt for the Riviera. Former president of Peru Alberto Fujimori is now in Japan, former president of Mexico Carlos Salinas spent most of his retirement years in Ireland, and Idi Amin (such a charmer) has been living in Saudi Arabia as a guest of the royal family for two decades.
Cheer up, the good news is that Bush has decided to git tuff on Feedel Castro. Yes, he's cracking down on Cuba. Like every President since Eisenhower, Bush II has decided to get rid of The Bearded One. Now this wonderfully peppy foreign policy includes further funding for Radio Marti, as though Marti himself wouldn't have died a natural over us calling it that. Cultural sensitivity is, like, not our middle name.
And in case all this isn't enough for you, consider the treaty banning biological weapons. What? You thought we should sign it? Like pledge not to spread bubonic plague around the world? Do you understand the black helicopter problem? Are you aware that those sticky labels on the back of stop signs that look as though they were meant for cashier-scanning machines are, in fact, secret directions for U.N. troops to help them take over the country? Shape up, here: We've got a NEW President.
Molly Ivins, a syndicated columnist, writes monthly for The Progressive.