After being thoroughly punked by a modest genius posing as libertarian billionaire and tea party sugar-daddy David Koch, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker falls to his knees and prays.
Walker: Lord Jesus, are you there?
Jesus: Yes. What is it this time? Kinda busy, man.
Walker: I got prank called by some big meanie! I feel like such an idiot!
Jesus: I don't know what you want me to do about it. And let's face it, Scott, you've never been the sharpest nail in the crucifix.
Walker: But I need your strength to get through this trauma, O Lord!
Jesus: So...let me get this straight. You don't care about the poor or the sick, your policies are basically geared to benefit the wealthy, and you need me -- the guy who said a rich man has a better chance of entering the kingdom of heaven than a camel has of passing through the eye of a needle -- to get you through an embarrassing time in your life? Is that right?
Walker: Yes, Lord. This has been one of the toughest days.
Jesus: Seriously? You've never lost anyone you care about? Grandparents, relatives, friends?! A girl never broke your heart? Dead pet even?! This is one of your 'toughest days'? Come on, dude. I was crucified for YOUR sins (thanks, dad!), died in agonizing pain, and now I have chumps like you basically missing the entire point of my spiritual philosophy...*sigh*...
Walker: Um, Jesus?
Jesus: Yeah, I'm--I gotta go. Turning the other cheek has its limits, bra. Don't call here again.
Or so I imagine.
Walker has a new book coming out soon called Unintimidated: A Governor's Story and a Nation's Challenge -- a purported tell-all which really isn't, a likely ideological springboard, an advert for higher office. I haven't read it. But the AP's Scott Bauer got his hands on an advance copy.
Seems to be the sort of union-bashing, dishonest disaster capitalism bilge we've all come to expect from Walker. But it was rather surprising to read in Bauer's tweets that Walker needed God's strength to overcome my villainy. Of course, God (more than) probably doesn't exist, and this is just more religious pandering from Walker, the son of a preacher. But I have to admit I feel pretty damn evil right now.
OK, kids. Sorry for the short gloat, but I gotta go. I have a meeting with my boss Satan, Prince of Darkness Ruth Conniff, editor-in-chief of The Progressive.
Photo: Flickr user Donkey Hotey, creative commons licensed.