November 2005

November 30, 2005

The Democrats are considering supplanting New Hampshire as their opening primary in '08. After covering 5 mid-winter primaries in the Granite State, I propose The Dems celebrate the diversity of the Great State of Hawaii.

November 29, 2005

Thinking is such a foreign activity to George Bush, you can actually see him do it. Feel the burn.

November 28, 2005

President Bush warned Americans that bird flu may evolve into a human to human contagion. Oh, now he believes in evolution.

November 22, 2005

House Republicans passed a spending bill cutting Food Stamps by a billion dollars while planning another 60 billion dollars in tax cuts for the rich.

I’m sure the rich will make up the shortfall by handing out table scraps.

November 21, 2005

Scientists discovered how to remove a gene and turn meek mice into daring ones. Apparently, members of the Democratic Party were used as test subjects.

November 18, 2005

Oh, no, you didn't. Don’t you tell me that you did. Not again. Because only a gutless swine would trot out that weak tired line of crap. Again. Dividing America. Again. You didn’t really say it, did you? That anyone who has the temerity to question your bogus transparent motives for going to war is endangering the troops? Not again!

And don’t tell me, either, that you made this declaration while employing members of our armed forces as a backdrop to give you the cover of credibility. Hiding behind the very people you put in harm’s way. Again.

I take it back. To call you a gutless swine is to disparage the contribution that male pigs with empty intestinal cavities have given to this great country of ours.

November 17, 2005

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is in China. After all the plastic action figures they’ve sent us over the years, it's only fair.

November 16, 2005

The Pentagon says this is a different kind of war and the rules don’t apply any more. Or was it Osama who says that?

November 15, 2005

Senator Kit Bond told Newsweek Magazine we don’t torture prisoners; we engage in “enhanced interrogation techniques.” So those car battery cables attached to your nipples are really “portable energy amplifiers.”

November 11, 2005

The Republicans claim the Democratic gains in this off year election bear no reflection on the mood of the electorate. Right, and formica is edible.

November 10, 2005

Arnold Schwarzenegger was rebuffed in his attempt to pass four initiatives in a state-wide special election. "Rebuffed" is correct, but the more precise verb would be "bitch slapped."

November 9, 2005

The White House is characterizing its pre-war Iraqi intelligence as an honest mistake. And after Novembers 2000 and 2004, we voters know all about honest mistakes.

November 8, 2005

It's voting day all over America. And the last time I saw this kind of enthusiasm I was in line for my 5-year check up at the colostomy clinic.

November 7, 2005

The White House announced ethics classes for staffers. Must be like shark seminars for first time divers, concentrating mostly on avoidance.

November 4, 2005

North and South Korea announced plans to send a combined contingent to the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. Of course the 15,000 Meter Barbed Wire Crawl team is expected to be dominated by the North.

November 3, 2005

ExxonMobil announced a third quarter profit of 10 billion dollars. You know what you can do with 10 billion dollars? Anything you want.

November 2, 2005

Bush’s new Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alito, has been described as Scalia Light, which sounds scarily nebulous. Kind of like saying, “Less hot than the surface of the sun.”

November 1, 2005

Rumors are President Bush’s temper is so short these days it’s approaching the length of his attention span.